Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
The best shot in the history of golf
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Tony Hawk, age 6
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.