“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.