we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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*gets down on one knee*
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My sex drive has a dui
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Möther may I have a snäck
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Is your wife single?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.