Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.