[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
You Might Also Like
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”