burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
You Might Also Like
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
#dnd #ttrpg
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices