I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu