Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
You Might Also Like
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died