“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.