[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you鈥檙e going through the car wash, without a car.
It was my daughter鈥檚 turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touch茅
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
馃檪馃檭馃ス
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Let鈥檚 talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you鈥檙e in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don鈥檛 know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I鈥檓 not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I鈥檓 always a stone鈥檚 throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.