If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Mouse
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Stick it to the man
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.