I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
True
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Stop sending me this shit.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.