Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“no gods no masters” = leo
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt