why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Girl, same.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.