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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I feel it
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
A great tip. #CakeRex
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t