You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
At least my masseuse has my back.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares