me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Friday night party time 🥳
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Ha
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance