Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.