No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.