Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Twitter remains undefeated
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.