In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this