*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”