You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was