I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
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Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Does this dress make me look cat?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.