me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.