cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
You Might Also Like
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”