Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I love art.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.