Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing