Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class