starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday