God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”