That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Ah yes. The three genders
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
See..?
.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.