If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
don’t be scared
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
12. I think about this all the damn time
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: