You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
You Might Also Like
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
christening a ship with an overripe banana
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*