“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise