I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
When I laugh on my period
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”