Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..