HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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Möther may I have a snäck
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Interior design 👌
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
as is their right