My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.