me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
adding to the discourse
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night