ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“How’s your day going?”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names