People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
🙅🏻
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it