Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.