One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
This is painfully accurate 😅
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.