I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?