I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Go hard or stay average
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel