GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.