Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year