Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
New tinder profile pic
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.