I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
dutch so unserious
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.